I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
