last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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