i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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