After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
