I'm gonna have a badass scar
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize