Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
