There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
