this beer tastes like vomit already
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
