well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
