The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
