omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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