Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
