My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
