I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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