I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
