I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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