I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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