Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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