Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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