Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
