So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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