I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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