Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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