DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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