I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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