She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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