I accidentally had phone sex last night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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