Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
