so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
