Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
