how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
