what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
