Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
