Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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