guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
