Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
