I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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