I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
