he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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