i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
