she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
