Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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