remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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