highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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