there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
