Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
worst night to have a conscience
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
