so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
