I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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