Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
