I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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