I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
