Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
