The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
