I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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