I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
