Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A bitchslap is in order.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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