Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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