Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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