I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
