You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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