I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
