I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
